Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Finding my way...

It's been almost a year since I've logged into this blog and I can't believe I've ignored it for this long.  I've been in a state of denial/depression/guilt about my hearing loss.  Ignoring it, pushing it down, deeper and deeper, feeling guilty about my role in life and towards my family.  But as my hearing loss progresses, I find myself back in the anger/guilt stage mostly.  The stage that makes me want to do something about it.  Anger and guilt are the feelings that are most likely to provoke and motivate me!

I had another audiogram today. The results were not good.  I've moved out of the moderate-severe levels and into the severe-profound levels with nothing left in the moderate range and more peaking into the profound range than before.  My speech discrimination levels have been cut in half.  I'm now only understanding 28% at 105dB in my left ear and 44% in my right ear.  The sound was turned up so loud, I could feel my ear drum vibrate but I couldn't make out the words.

A lawn mower is 100dB.  I cannot hear a garbage disposal, hair dryer, crying baby, or a vacuum cleaner at all without my hearing aids, and a lawnmower sounds like a bee buzzing. I unplug the hair dryer when I'm done because I can't hear if it's still on or not.  I hear about 35% of what you say with my hearing aids in, in a quiet environment.  I will become profoundly deaf and will not be able to use hearing aids in the next decade according to my current rate of progression.  And I am f-ing mad about it!  I have so much anger and depression and guilt in me right now, I don't know what to do with it.

I've lost my career, my friends, my life as I know it.  My daughter is counting on me and I can give up or I can beat this and deal with it.  I have a daughter...I will deal with it, beating it is not an option.  I will make her proud and I will give her the confidence and build the virtue of empathy in her that she will need to deal with this!  At this point in my life, I can't say that I'm strong enough to do it for myself, but I will be strong enough to do it for her!